what consumes me

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).
Having a teenage son seems like a war at times. Don't get me wrong, my son really is a good one, goodhearted, a giver, one who takes up for the underdog and many more notable traits. The waring that I am referring to comes mainly from obsessions that consumes his mind. It seems like if you take one away, it is easily replaced by another and then another. I can give scripture and wise counsel on how the lack of balance and self-control can entangle him, to find himself in a place that he would have never expected to be in.
I have been there myself, I have woken up and been so ashamed at the person that I let my bad choices mold me into. It doesn't always have to be BAD things that consumes us, it can be a simple thing like my photography, something that I love, something that God broke chains of freedom with. However, when that gets out of balance, I wake up and realize that my house is in ruins, my laundry is piled up, my husband feels neglected, my children are doing who knows what!!
Why is this? I think its a search most of the time. A fulfillment, something to fill my time, something to fill my confidence, someone to fill my ego and or neediness, and the list goes on. Why do we seek these things from anyone/thing other than God? Do we not believe what his word says? I can give counsel to my son because I can see how a phone can consume him, texting all day and night to one certain person. Yet, my own flesh justifies the things that consumes me!!!
How can I expect to be an example of balance, self-control and wisdom, if I am not listening to God and obeying him. It puts all things in perspective, when you ask the question, does THIS "thing/person" cause lack in areas of my life that should be my priority. Does this "thing/person" interfere with who/what God has called me to be and or do? It makes things like FACEBOOK seem to petty, why in the world would I let an internet social/drama/brag page cause me to ignore my loved ones, my role as a wife and my calling? Where is the balance, why am I seeking fulfillment from something like this? This isn't just about facebook, it's anything that causes distraction, that I allow to consume me.
God has spoken, yet again and I am thankful!!!

Tidbits

Phillipians 4-7
⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Prayer & Fasting, prayer & fasting, prayer & fasting!!! I have to admit during this fast, I have had times that I have just done without. I gave up but I didn't pray. Those times have been my worse because quickly my focus jumped from the reasons why I am sacrificing to justifying my reasons why I can have my own way. Battling the flesh, battling my way, especially in my fast this year, has really opened my eyes to how much I justify my way instead of conforming to HIS way.
I am so thankful for the little tidbits! God gives them to us in so many ways, I think sometimes God gives them to us through the revelation of others. Last week, I got one from my Pastor, Freddie Brown, and I replays in my mind in the very most perfect moment, in the midst of my weakness. I get them from songs, sometimes it's just 4 little words(WE Delare Your Glory), I get them from my husband, from my children and my soul gets refreshed daily because I know that they are from God.
I don't think my Pastor would care if I shared what God spoke to him, of which God used to speak to me. This is coming during our Fast with God. Brother Freddie is working on aligning his body up with Gods plan for it. He said before he eats or is hungry, he says, "God I am submitting my body to you". Those 8 words, are words that I use, true enough, it's words but more than that, it's a prayer, it's a declaration, it's declaring HIS Glory over my physical body. I believe God wanted me to hear this, coming from a man that I is bold enough to share, obey and submit, therefore in that, I am encouraged to let God conform my old ways of thinking into a new way. At times, I have to say these words, this prayer of declaration and sometimes plea for strength and recite Phillipians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. I am not sure but I think, every time that I say these words, I have victory. I know for sure that I can think of times that I have failed in my fast and when I didn't pray, I have lost. Why? Because I didn't choose to pray, submit and obey the Lord.
Last week I also got a tidbit from a Bible study that is being led by Janine Mangum. In the study it said, start where you are, that means taking the next positive step that is right in front of you & take it, in other words, do the next right thing. The last 5 words have encouraged me all week, DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING! Can't I do the next right thing? NO, not if I don't pray and submit. Sure the Lord gives us strength & I don't think that I have to stop before every daily decision to pray because the Lord gives us Wisdom and our Holy Spirit helps guide us but until our strongholds are broken, we have to rely on him. If we fail to fully say, this is a weakness of mine, this is an area in my life that I can not rely on myself, I can not make the right choice on my own, until we have had a break through, we have to stop and pray!
Last but not least, rejoice!! Ack!! No, I don't think rejoicing is bad, it's fun but ackkkk at the fact that I have not been rejoicing in my victories!! I have moaned and had the "I can't have this blues, or gosh I want one of those blues". Instead, can't I say, Oh thank you Lord for the life that you are adding life to my years by showing me how my physical health needs to be changed. Can't I say, Thank you Lord for showing me that with you, I can fight and win the biggest stronghold that had put it's claim on my body? From this day forward, I am changing my blues to praises!! I will sing his praises!!! Can't I walk around singing this song?
Look what the Lord has done
Look what the Lord has done
He healed my body, He touched my mind
He saved me just in time
I'm gonna praise His name
Each day is just the same
Come on and praise Him
Look what the Lord has done.

Fasting

John 10:10

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁰ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

We are about 2 weeks into our Fast of 2012. Up until a couple of days ago my heart was fully into it, then I stopped praying as much, which lead to other muck! It lead to doubt & lack in the purpose. Actually, last night I was laying in bed & felt God saying to me.... "But Betty, this is how you live, you stop relying on me & rely on your own understanding, you stop seeking my strength & you rely on your own, and you stop striving to be more like me & then you settle for less of the life that I have promised you". This could have lead into a "lets beat up on myself party" but I realized that God corrects in LOVE, he understands & wants better for me.
So, this morning I am lead to ponder why I stopped praying and relying on him. It brought me to what my husband shared at Church on Sunday. He was talking about pride, he said, "It's when we take HIM out of our daily life & put I I I I in it". He had also shared with me earlier in the week, that he thought that after the fast last year, that he struggled because he started saying I I I I am quitting this, I II I am handling this & that's the point where his power failed & his flesh won. This is exactly where I begin swaying, even on my fast. I feel like Ok, I have this, I can choose to eat better, I can choose to eat smaller portions and I can choose the amount of time that I put into my exercise. I do ok for a couple of days but then my flesh wants more! My flesh doesn't choose life, my flesh chooses those things that aren't good for me, my flesh wants more than I need and my flesh wants to sit on the couch or in front of the computer.
Today my prayer is that I can die to my flesh daily, moment by moment but I can't do it without prayer, I can't do it without his strength and I surely can't do it unless my heart believes that the abundant life is far better than what the wordly life is.

What does it mean to dance

I find it funny when people jokingly say, "I am just waiting for (insert name here) to start running down the isle at Church dancing". Typically the saying is meant in a joking, almost mocking way & that is what I find funny but not funny as in agreement with them. In all of my years at Church, I have only seen a few that have actually did this but I find the saying funny because it I can't imagine being that FREE!!! There is a song that says, "I am Free to Dance", these people can truly sing this song, while the mockers will sing this song with their hands in their pockets. Now I am in noway saying I think we should all be running around dancing at Church and I am not saying that all that do dance, are doing it for God & not making a scene for themselves, I am just saying, WoW at the Freedom to dance!!
I say Wow because there is something that distracts me from worshiping God in a physical way. It's my weight. I have let the desires of my flesh or really of my mouth, hinder how I worship. I am so cautious of my weight and body that sometimes it is a distraction in my worship. Thoughts will pop up, is this shirt covering my hips when I raise my hands, are the tops of my arms covered, and more things of this nature. Now I am not saying this is my every thought. I do push forward, I do say no to those thoughts & I still worship. I will not allow it to keep me from the presence of the Lord. I just know that anything that hinders my walk & worship should be addressed.
So today the Lord lead me back to my journals that I kept during our Pastors conference in 2011. The theme for the conference had nothing to do with dancing but many speakers talked about dancing. Some of the things that were said were:
You have to dance, to live in Awe Greg Serrat
Sin will steal your dance, when you don't confess your sins, you don't feel like dancing, Greg Serrat
Dance & enjoy life, life is too short to hold on to "things & people", Ann Lipscomb
Don't get me wrong, this blog isn't about me feeling sorry for myself or that I am depressed & have no self worth because of my weight. I am not walking around daily thinking, Oh my Gosh Betty, you are so fat! It's just the fact that I know that I was meant to be FREE!! Eve was naked, how much more freeing could GOD have made us? We were meant to be so free that we could walk around naked, yet fully layered in clothing, I want to hide parts of my body while worshiping!!
So what am I doing about this, besides blogging? I am choosing life!! We are in our Fast at Church & I have given up many things that I normally have each day aren't healthy for me, and I am choosing to pray instead of having these things. I am praying that this isn't about pounds, that it isn't about my body being pleasing to me but that my choices for my health will line up with and bless the plans that the Lord has for my life. I don't want my choices to be distracted or restricted because of my health. If when I am 70yrs old, a teen that likes to walk, needs a Godly walking partner & mentor, I want to be able to be that person. If when my daughter is my age & has 3 kids (yes that is her plan not mine ha) and she wants to go visit Betsie Mac in Thailand (yes her plans too) I want to be able to say, yes I can keep your kids for 2 weeks while you go Minister to the lost. Instead of saying, it is hard for me to get up & down with the kids, my knees won't allow me to run after them..... Ya know, it's things like this that I want to be able to do in my future because being able to do these things will make me want to dance & rejoice!!!
So really it's not about dancing, it's about freedom! My prayers each day always start out with Lord help me reclaim my health because I want to be free.
This song is in my heart today
I am Free, by the Newsboys
Through you the blind will see
Through Through you the dead will rise
Through you the mute will sing
Through you all hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
Yes, I am free

I AM FREE TO RUN
(I AM FREE TO RUN)
I AM FREE TO DANCE

(I AM FREE TO DANCE)
I AM FREE TO LIVE FOR YOU
(I AM FREE TO LIVE FOR YOU)
I AM FREE
(I AM FREE)
YES I AM FREE
(I AM FREE)

Through you the kingdom comes
Through you the battle's won
Through you I'm not afraid
Through you the price is paid
Through you there's victory
Because of you my heart sings
I am free
Yes, I am free

Through you the dead will rise
Through you all hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
Yes, I am free

I AM FREE TO RUN
(I AM FREE TO RUN)
I AM FREE TO DANCE
(I AM FREE TO DANCE