Not listening to the old girl inside of me anymore!!!

   Communication, hearing and our responses can be so hard! Especially when you realize that you can be speaking, hearing & responding through wounds. Even more so, is when you have always been prideful of how this wound from the past never affected you, that you had let it go but letting it go & being healed from it can be two different things. Letting it go can mean that you walk away, choose not to focus on it and choose not to hold it over that person but the brokenness can infect your life forever if you do not allow God to heal & mend this broken area.
   A few months ago in my marriage class, we were on the subject of relating with each other. I remember thinking, I have no clue as to how I relate to Mike but God did speak something to me that night. This something would need to be talked about with my husband, it wasn't anything that I had done but still the fear of admitting hurt from the past, how I was hurt, yet had always been prideful of how strong I was of not letting this hurt have power over me. HA! I wasn't brave enough to be so revealing and I didn't give Mike credit enough to believe that he would be compassionate and want to even hear about it. God keeps telling me though, "Betty this is the root, break it off".
   You see, I love and adore my Daddy, he has passed way but it doesn't feel right saying loved & adored because I still do. Anyway, I had to do a lot of forgiveness because he wasn't always so loving and easy to adore. He was good man but one with a quick temper and one that wasn't able to control it and know when to say when with his words & actions, in fact, he was abusive. It didn't ever stop me from loving him, I knew that he was taught this way as well. I was the one in our bunch that had a very hard time listening to belittling remarks and the harsh words that were not warranted, was the worst for me. I would stand up to him and most of the time get physically knocked now but I didn't learn, I had the mindset of, I will not allow you to talk to me & treat me wrongly, I will stand up for myself even knowing that I would get knocked down one way or the other, mentally or physically. Now I am not here to bash my father or for anyone to think wrongly of him. Later in the years, he & I had many talks about how much he hurt me and he did listen and he did apologize and he did mean it
Actually in his last years, I was his right hand and own his death bed, he knew when I wasn't around, he would call out my name. Sigh... I miss that man!!!
   The affect of those wounds though, how I relate to others, didn't change. I have been relating with the motto of you won't treat or talk to me unfairly, I will control this area in my life now! God seemed to have been able to really work on me with how I relate to others, years ago. I listened & realized that it was wrong & have been intentional to try & not be controlling and defensive. I still respond to my husband out of those wounds. When I hear, how many times do I have to tell you, what I really hear is, Betty you are so stupid. When I hear, you need to get this done today, do you think that you can you do this? What I really hear is a command, do this because I say so & are you capable of doing what I ask. I hear these things as if Mike is trying to talk to me like a child. Now Mike isn't trying to call me stupid, incapable or to treat me like a child and this always comes out when I respond defensively. He will be furious because he doesn't get where I could think these things and it isn't fair at all to him. He doesn't understand it because I have only shared how it comes across with me. I myself didn't realize that it stems from the agreement that I made many years ago with myself in a defense mechanism with my father. Now, anyone that knows Mike, knows that the tone of his voice & words can seem harsh at times but I KNOW his heart & whether or not he needs to change, is between him & God but my response IS up to me.
   I wonder if any of this stems off into why it can be so hard to speak words of affirmation, appreciation and adoration to Mike. Is it pride, being strong & having a hard time showing submission through my words? Last week, I blogged about being challenged to encourage my husband through my words (I am challenged). It has been humbling to realize how hard that can be. I have tried to make it a point to speak something each day and I am not talking about I love you because that is easy to say. I am talking about things like, Thank you for dealing with the cable guy & letting me stay in my room, editing pictures or I knew you could do it, the tv looks great (when he installed my tv above my fireplace). For some of you, words like this come easy but it seems foreign to me. This morning, I decided to look up some proverbs to help me in this area and one stuck out which covers so much. Proverbs 31:26 When she speaks her words are wise & kindness is the rule for everything that she says. Whoa huh? So I then started looking up verses on being wise & wrote down ones concerning being wise & patient with my responses & walking away from anger. Proverbs 19: 11 says A wise man restrains from his anger and overlooks insults, this is to his own credit!!! Whew! I also looked up verses on being kind with my words. Proverbs 16:24 says,  Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 
   Can you see how God is dealing with me on my hearing, communication and responses? I surely can!! Mike & I don't argue a lot but when it is, it always comes down to communication & I am tired of this broken record! I am ready to be healed & set free from hearing with the old ears, after all, I am a new creation in Christ right? I am ready to hear, speak & respond wise & kind!!!
   This reminds me of a song that we have just started singing at Church. Listen to it & be encourage!!

I am challenged!!

   Last night we had our monthly marriage class at our Church and it was on sex...Woohoo right? I just have to say that we have the funniest people at our Church!!! I really did grasp some great truths from the message about God, sex & my husband. I think though that I had a couple of things that stuck out more than the sex part. In one part of the video that we watched, they had a group discussion with couples, they were sharing about what lures each spouse in. One husband said, "my wife tells me how amazing I am in so many different ways, she speaks this to me and I feel like I am the best husband ever." Then another part, a husband talked about how his wife always told him thank you and showed appreciation for doing things around the house or in the yard. My teacher, Janine said that men like a parade when they do these things & its our job to throw it. EVEN if it doesn't seem right, our men want our praises because two things that they desire the most (not including sex) is respect/honor & appreciation.
   Hearing these two gut wrenching discussions had me looking like a deer in headlights!! I mean, don't get me wrong I do tell Mike thank you but I surely don't throw a parade!! Mike is a hard worker, he will come home and go straight to work outside in the yard or doing something to the house or on a car, he has done these things during our entire marriage. I think that I have taken those things for granted because they come naturally to Mike, it is what he does. Then the part of telling him how amazing he is...whew... it's not that I "don't" think this. I actually say it a lot to my friends and I do tell him at times how awesome he is but often might really be narrowed down to seldom. I am just not built to let the words flow out like that, it feels risky, as crazy as that sounds. I can look at him and think these things to myself but why is it when I sit here & imagine myself letting the words come out, does it seem like it would be fake? Is it pride, is it wounds, is it untruths that the enemy has lead me to think? Not only do men desire praise & honor but read the verse below from the Bible, I have 2 versions here. They seem a little different, one version just says respect but the other one goes deeper, explaining what respect should be given.
 ³³ So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
And the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband--obeying, praising, and honoring him" Ephesians 5:33
I am challenged and even saying those 3 words brought out a sigh. I am going to pray through whatever it is that keeps me from showing respect, honor & praise with my words/mouth because my heart does truly want my husband to feel like my hero!!!

Can you TRUST even in dark waters?

   Last week the kids and I made our way to Gulf Shores Alabama and had a wonderful time. We were invited by cousins on my husbands side of the family, cousins that I had only been around a few minutes here and there. It didn't take but a minute to realize that our families "fit" right together, just as if we had grown up around each other. The entire week was spent in pjs and swimming suits! This was the most relaxed vacation that I have ever had. We didn't even eat out until the last night there, you can't get more low key than that!
   The first day on the beach, the water wasn't clear at all. I got in feeling a little uneasy because I didn't know what was swimming around me or what was ready to pinch my toes but after a few minutes the fears were gone. On the second day the water was clear, I got in without feeling uneasy because I could clearly see what was around me.  I constantly searched  around me and looked out into the ocean ahead of me, looking to see what might "get me". What I noticed was that I wasn't really fearful but had this feeling that I could handle myself. At this point, I wasn't even waist deep, I felt like I could control my fate from danger because I could see all that was around me & I was close enough to run for cover on shore.
   Later that night I was sitting on the beach, listening to the crashing waves, absorbing the beauty that God had set out in front of me and felt God opening my eyes and ears. The ocean was so dark and I thought, there is noway that I would get in that water right now, even though it looked so peaceful. God reminded me of the unclear water, the clear water and the dark water. He said, Betty the water is still the same, it is how you choose to stand in it. Will you be fearful, will you play at ease or will you stand with caution from wisdom that I have given you. You see, when the water was unclear, I became carefree because I couldn't control what I didn't see. When the water was clear, I wasn't carefree because I on guard to control my safety. When the water was dark, I knew better than to get out in it because I had been taught about beach safety and feeding times for sharks.
   I can't go into full details about how this has been applied to my life but I must share a little. I am not sure if you remember the blog about the book of Samuel & how Hannah gave him back to the Lord (I give you my son) but I was able to see fruit on this vacation from obeying God regarding my son. Again, I can't tell you what it was exactly but I can tell you that his heart has been changed in many areas. I saw my son feeling grieved by things that he saw & heard, things that a year ago would have been a huge temptation for him. We talked for a couple of hours and he went on and on about different things going on in his life. My heart felt like it was going to explode because these issues were answered prayers, it was growth & maturity and redemption over thoughts, actions and motives that I used to try to control. I realized that when things were clear, like the clear ocean, is when I sheltered Nick so much, I could control (not) what affected his thoughts, motives & actions, so I frantically watched around him for danger and even looked way out into the future, fearful of how his future would be affected. The unclear water represented how I started to let go. In the unclear water, I had no choice but to let go, well when God spoke strongly to me about parenting in fear, I had no choice but to let go & trust God. I had to allow Nick to grow and walk on his own. Then there's the dark water, it is where I find peace in trusting that the Lord will give me the wisdom that I need when I need to step in and protect my son, when I need to pull him back from the darkness and the unknown. This is where I choose to reside, in the peace of the Lord and his protection because when I finally chose to sit in this place, God was able to reach Nicks heart. God was able to speak to Nick and open his eyes and to break my sons heart for sinful ways not only of his but for the ways of this world.
   Now today, I wonder where else in my life that I need to walk in the unclear waters & let go, to wander around a little more carefree, a little or a lot less controlling and then to sit back in the peace of knowing that God will give me wisdom, he will protect and he will answer when I seek him. What are the areas that I watch out frantically, ready to attack & control instead of seeking and trusting God? Something to chew on for sure!!
  Just so you know, the following days I became carefree in the ocean even on the clear days, I had fun and trusted that I would be safe. I do however, have a tubing trip this weekend in a river with snakes and possible gators. Lord help me to apply these truths to the unclear, mucky river water so that I can have fun and be carefree!!
Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
a couple pictures that I took while on vacation

Be still my soul be still

   Today the kids and I are heading out of town. We will be heading to Gulf Shores Alabama, which is about 4.5hrs from where we live. I still have to go gas up & get an updated inspection sticker because mine has been out for a while now! We are leaving early enough to not worry about rushing but then again, the beach will be there all week right?
Months ago, we were invited to go on this trip by my husbands cousin, Elizabeth. We will be staying in a  condo with her family, her sister & kids and her mom. Mike side of the family doesn't get together nearly as often as mine does but when we do see them, I always feel a closeness. Elizabeth & I also share a love for photography, so we have talked quite a bit on facebook. To me, this invitation says so much about this family and I can't wait to get to  know them even better this week! I think this is also another way that God is stretching my box, this one though isn't a tough one at all though!!
About a month ago, God started dealing with me on being busy and he has been working hard with his chisel at my stubborn ways!!! I have slowed down a lot, I have said no to a lot, I have delegated and many days have been spent here at my home! I did however try to become a busy bee on this trip! I had this thought that I would book a few photography sessions **good intentions** while being on this trip to help pay for the cost. I thought, this would make the load a little easier on my husband, so I posted details about my trip and received a lot of responses. As strange as it sounds, none of them worked out, yet each one all seemed 100% ready to book. I think God played a huge hand in this. While I don't think that my intentions were bad, they actually seemed pretty smart, I know now that God has other plans for this trip. I think that I told you how God has been asking me WHY so  much lately right? Well the "why" had good reasons, to help finances and to give some friends sessions on the beach with their families. It reminds me of the verse in Proverbs..."There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death". Now surely this isn't literal for this situation but I have felt like God is saying, Betty your ways, even those with good intentions seem right, they sound good but being out of balance can lead to death in so many areas of your life. I feel like this vacation is to show me how I can be "still", I think it will be a simple, yet life absorbing vacation and doesn't that sound good? Gosh, I can't wait!

I leave you with one of my favorite singers, Kari Jobe!
Oh & I T-Totally can't wait for a week to just have FUN with  my camera on the beach, no work, just fun!!! I am very grateful and feel like a very blessed lady today!!
By the way, if you can't tell how eager that I am to leave for the beach, look at how short this blog is, that should tell ya in a big way!!
Have a blessed week my friends!!

Unanswered Prayers

   Ever have those times that you can stop and see how your life could have turned out so differently had God answered a prayer? You know the type of prayer that I am talking about, the kind that you are pleading for him to jump in and intervene and give you what YOU so desperately want.
   Yesterday I received a call from a young lady that very well could have been me, had God not stepped in and pulled me away from my old life. The voice was so frail and weak and I could tell that the story that she was telling me was like a rerun for her. Just a different situation but the same life, the same problems, the same addictions. As I listened to her pour her heart out to me, a complete stranger, I thought, Lord thank you for not answering the many prayers that I sent up over 18yrs ago.  Thank you for rewriting my story and opening my eyes to the man that you had destined me for & closing my eyes to the man that this girl is hurting over. 
   I remember the day that I met Tony, I was 18yrs old and saw the guy that I just knew that I had to have. He had been coming in the store that I worked at for about a week but all of a sudden, something sparked & we started talking and before I knew it, he was living with me which only took a matter of 3 days. My life changed, the two roommates that I had moved out pretty quickly and the two of us were inseparable.
   Over the next 5yrs I prayed that God would keep us together. You see, we started out as friends, best friends and we went back and forth with it being best friends to friends with benefits, to it being that we knew that we "loved" each other but something always got in the way. I am sure that it was the GRACE of GOD now!! whew!! Tony introduced me to just about every hard drug there was and we were constantly on something. My family begged me to leave this life, my friends told me how different I was and most left. I even had a friend named Tommy, that convinced me to leave that life and to move to Houston to go to college and I did. After about a month, Tony moved to Texas with me and I ended up getting back on drugs and flunking out of school.
   The stories go on and on and I was reminded of this life as I heard the familiar voice on the other end of the phone. I had never talked to her before but I knew her story, it sounded a lot like my stories from years back. She said he had talked a lot about me, so she even knew some of my stories and maybe that is why she felt so comfortable with me.
   Out of privacy, I won't go into private details of what she shared with me but I will share why she called. I had first contacted her because I saw on facebook where Tony had posted that he was going to jail and I was curious as to why, I was curious if his life had changed any at all. I will say though that I believe that God ministered to her during our call. I gave a hard word that I believe she was able to "hear" because it was coming from someone that made it out of that life,  made it out of her very shoes. I am not sure if she will take drastic measures to walk away from that lifestyle but I do believe that a seed was planted. I gave her resources to ministries that could help her and I prayed for her as well.
   I guess I should add that in both hers and my stories with Tony, it wasn't always him. In both cases, he had gone to rehab many times and when he would get out, great intentions were set but HE had gotten help she & I hadn't, so at times the girl in his life lead him back into drugs as well. I just didn't want to paint him to be this horrible person. He isn't a bad guy, he is just someone that needs healing from his addictions and that won't happen until he allows God to do a complete work in him. 
   God didn't answer my prayers about Tony because he knew that Mike was still out there for me and I can't finish this sort of blog without bragging on my husband Mike. After I was finally over Tony, I dated a few different men but honestly they were just men that helped me "get over" Tony. When I met Mike, he spun my world in a totally different way, in a better way. I remember when he would call me, I would think, "this guy REALLY adores me". He was so different, that he didn't even bother to kiss me for 2weeks after we met. I had never met a guy that treated me so special. His face lit up when he saw me, he would smile from ear to ear. He was sent by God, he loved me from day one. Mike was the answer to my prayers and as I listened to that familiar fragile voice of this girl, all I could do was respond with, God loves you and he wants to restore your life and the story that you are telling me, isn't what God has destined for you. God spoke life into her and also used her story to remind me of where I came from and how much GOD has always been FOR ME!!
   So today, I am one girl that is thankful that God didn't answer those prayers with who I thought was the right man for me, he just shook his head and said....
Jeremiah 29 ^:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am breaking that old record that keeps playing the same old song!

   I keep trying to justify reasons to not live a physical healthy lifestyle, when really it boils down to being stubborn. Months back, I blogged about learning to dance in life. I felt a strong word from the Lord about letting everything go so that I can dance through life with him but I have yet to let go of the one thing that causes me to hold back, my unhealthy eating habits. My excuses sound like a record that just plays over and over until you are so sick of hearing the same ole song! I have had some great intentions but the drive behind them doesn't push through more than a few days. It boils down to, "I want what I want", I have refused to allow the Lord to change my mind, to submit my will for his in this area of my life. Which I think, is probably the best definition for stubborness ever!
   For those of you that don't know my 7ry Olivia, she is an encourager, she wants everyone to be happy, to feel special and her heart just breaks when she sees someone that is down. She will tell me "Mom, you are so beautiful", even on days when I have been working in the garden and look a complete mess. When we go out and about, I can't tell you how many people that she gives compliments to, it could be how pretty their purse is or how awesome their finger nail polish is or if she sees a man holding the door for their spouse, she will say, "awe that is so sweet of you".
   God gave Olivia to me to raise up, to bring her up in the ways of the Lord, right? To help her avoid the ways of the world, to teach her to self control.... ***insert screeching train wheels that are being forced to stop, here*** this is where my stubborness shows its ugly head. There probably aren't many children that would choose to have self control if they were given the opportunity, this is where the parent steps in. You see, Olivia loves junk foods and sweets are at the top of her list. It is so much easier to say yes, Olivia, you can have a snack cake, instead saying no, lets go play outside because really, most of the time snacking is the result of being bored right?
   Olivia also loves quality time, she loves being on a team or having a partner to do things with. She is my walking buddy, not that we are are walking now but when I have tried to get refocused on good habits, she is right along beside me. She is one that will encourage you to keep on doing what is right, which is really why I haven't let the words "lets do this together" come out of my mouth. I knew that she would not relent, even to the point of it hurting her feelings.
   Honestly, there is a temptation to team up with her, how much more accountable could I get than the guilt of a child...right? I would never put that on her though. I also don't want to keep training her how to eat unhealthy.  I have to be her leader, I have to give wise instructions, I have to help guide her and I need to motivate her as much as she would me! I am accountable for how I raise her because she will reap the consequences for my lack of self control. I will pass my battle right down to her if I do not choose to submit to the Lord in this area.
   I keep thinking of the verse, Philippians 4:13 I CAN do all things in Christ who gives me strength. The word CAN is the key word in that verse to me. It really becomes a question of AM going to do or Will do, right? It's like I CAN conquer this unhealthy lifestyle because Christ has given me the strength but there must be more action on my part, I have to "do" I can't just sit back & say that I CAN do it, I MUST do it right? Honestly, my "want to" isn't very strong right now.
   Lord, I have started on this journey so many times and honestly I am not starting out feeling like I can defeat this battle, I am sitting here feeling like "am I trying again". Lord you know my heart, you know that my flesh is weak, you know that there is no way that I can do this without you, you know that this will be a minute by minute battle for me. Lord help me to choose life, help me to flee from what is harmful. Conform my mind....
TAKE MY LIFE……AND FORM IT

TAKE MY MIND……TRANSFORM IT

TAKE MY WILL……CONFORM IT

TO YOURS, TO YOURS, OH LORD