A few months ago in my marriage class, we were on the subject of relating with each other. I remember thinking, I have no clue as to how I relate to Mike but God did speak something to me that night. This something would need to be talked about with my husband, it wasn't anything that I had done but still the fear of admitting hurt from the past, how I was hurt, yet had always been prideful of how strong I was of not letting this hurt have power over me. HA! I wasn't brave enough to be so revealing and I didn't give Mike credit enough to believe that he would be compassionate and want to even hear about it. God keeps telling me though, "Betty this is the root, break it off".
You see, I love and adore my Daddy, he has passed way but it doesn't feel right saying loved & adored because I still do. Anyway, I had to do a lot of forgiveness because he wasn't always so loving and easy to adore. He was good man but one with a quick temper and one that wasn't able to control it and know when to say when with his words & actions, in fact, he was abusive. It didn't ever stop me from loving him, I knew that he was taught this way as well. I was the one in our bunch that had a very hard time listening to belittling remarks and the harsh words that were not warranted, was the worst for me. I would stand up to him and most of the time get physically knocked now but I didn't learn, I had the mindset of, I will not allow you to talk to me & treat me wrongly, I will stand up for myself even knowing that I would get knocked down one way or the other, mentally or physically. Now I am not here to bash my father or for anyone to think wrongly of him. Later in the years, he & I had many talks about how much he hurt me and he did listen and he did apologize and he did mean it
Actually in his last years, I was his right hand and own his death bed, he knew when I wasn't around, he would call out my name. Sigh... I miss that man!!!
The affect of those wounds though, how I relate to others, didn't change. I have been relating with the motto of you won't treat or talk to me unfairly, I will control this area in my life now! God seemed to have been able to really work on me with how I relate to others, years ago. I listened & realized that it was wrong & have been intentional to try & not be controlling and defensive. I still respond to my husband out of those wounds. When I hear, how many times do I have to tell you, what I really hear is, Betty you are so stupid. When I hear, you need to get this done today, do you think that you can you do this? What I really hear is a command, do this because I say so & are you capable of doing what I ask. I hear these things as if Mike is trying to talk to me like a child. Now Mike isn't trying to call me stupid, incapable or to treat me like a child and this always comes out when I respond defensively. He will be furious because he doesn't get where I could think these things and it isn't fair at all to him. He doesn't understand it because I have only shared how it comes across with me. I myself didn't realize that it stems from the agreement that I made many years ago with myself in a defense mechanism with my father. Now, anyone that knows Mike, knows that the tone of his voice & words can seem harsh at times but I KNOW his heart & whether or not he needs to change, is between him & God but my response IS up to me.
I wonder if any of this stems off into why it can be so hard to speak words of affirmation, appreciation and adoration to Mike. Is it pride, being strong & having a hard time showing submission through my words? Last week, I blogged about being challenged to encourage my husband through my words (I am challenged). It has been humbling to realize how hard that can be. I have tried to make it a point to speak something each day and I am not talking about I love you because that is easy to say. I am talking about things like, Thank you for dealing with the cable guy & letting me stay in my room, editing pictures or I knew you could do it, the tv looks great (when he installed my tv above my fireplace). For some of you, words like this come easy but it seems foreign to me. This morning, I decided to look up some proverbs to help me in this area and one stuck out which covers so much. Proverbs 31:26 When she speaks her words are wise & kindness is the rule for everything that she says. Whoa huh? So I then started looking up verses on being wise & wrote down ones concerning being wise & patient with my responses & walking away from anger. Proverbs 19: 11 says A wise man restrains from his anger and overlooks insults, this is to his own credit!!! Whew! I also looked up verses on being kind with my words. Proverbs 16:24 says, Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Can you see how God is dealing with me on my hearing, communication and responses? I surely can!! Mike & I don't argue a lot but when it is, it always comes down to communication & I am tired of this broken record! I am ready to be healed & set free from hearing with the old ears, after all, I am a new creation in Christ right? I am ready to hear, speak & respond wise & kind!!!
This reminds me of a song that we have just started singing at Church. Listen to it & be encourage!!
Thank you Betty...This is truly a work of God in our lives. There are so many ways that we don't see how we cover ourselves or expose ourselves starting from our childhood years. I'm like you I don't blame my upbringing but I can acknowlege the ways I am still living out of what I learned during those years. God's grace is the only thing that can heal those ways in which we protect ourselves; our ways never really protect anyway! Thank you for sharing with us.
ReplyDelete