Is God really CRAZY?

   I have had my life as a Mother with my kids & grands planned out for years now. I figured it out that once Nick leaves for college, I will have still have a good 7yrs or better before Olivia leaves the nest. Sounds great huh? Well what is even better is that by that time Nick will in his mid twenties & it probably wouldn't be long before I have some grand babies! I have always thought that I will be a great Grammie, not that I am rushing it at all but I just know that, that will be a sweet time of my life. I have always imagined the kids living near me so that I can watch their kids grow up. One can plan & dream right?
   A couple of Sundays ago at church, we started with our typical worship but this time the team only played one song, then a missionary was asked to get up & share her testimony, then we we finished our worship part of the service. Really the only time that I know of that we have had something like that happen is when a member of our worship team or our pastor will just give a brief word of encouragement or prayer. On this day, the line up had been planned out, just like it took place. Honestly I don't even remember but bits and pieces from the missionaries testimony but during it, my heart shifted in a big way. I started sobbing so bad that the tears were hitting my chest. It was like I was grieving. I realized that it wasn't "what" she was saying it was what God was about to "say". When he spoke to me, it was as if he was sitting eye to eye with me. He told me that Nick would be going to Africa this Summer on a missions trip. What? MY SON? NO God, I plan to take him in a couple of years, once or friends move there, so WE can go together!! By this time, the missionary had finished talking & we were singing again. I started wrestling with God even more. I told him that Nick has fears of flying and he can't go without me, at the next moment we were singing "How Great Is Our God". He then told me that I needed to start letting go because Nick would be going MANY places for him. I reminded him about my plans of Nick having me some grands & living close to me. This went on throughout the rest of worship, I would fight and he would confirm that HE is full aware of what he is asking. I can tell you that I was mad, sad and overjoyed at the same time. Thankfully, we have church members that have experienced this very thing, talking and praying with them help me sort out my emotions.To go back to how our service was lined up that day, it had to have been totally orchestrated by God himself.
   I guess you might be wondering how Mike & Nick feel about this word from God? You know, I could have kept it to myself! I could have been selfish and interfered with what God was going to do with and to my son and stayed in our comfortable, controlling lifestyle but I love my son & GOD too much to think of myself! Nick wasn't too shocked because his friend Betsie had already been telling him that he should go on this trip with her brother Patrick & friend Desmond.  Nick had actually mentioned it to me but we both thought, "um there is noway"! Mike wasn't as ready to put Nick on a plane to Africa for a month, as I was! After all, I had heard from God, not Mike! Mike is the type that needs time to think, time to let go & let God. He wasn't against the trip in the beginning but he also wasn't too sure about it either. Now, I am happy to say that Mike is on board with the trip. He is so on board with the trip that he isn't saying "if" but rather "when" Nick goes to Africa! God moves in crazy ways because a couple of years ago, heck maybe even a year ago, I thought my friend Elysa was crazy to send her teen or teens to another country without a parent!! I am at peace with this trip because I know that God wants to use Nick in Africa and the changes that the trip will make in Nick, God will use that too!
   We will be finishing up the application tomorrow, the trip isn't a "done" deal! He still has to be accepted and he also has to raise $4,200.00!!! I know that if God can change my heart enough to trust him with my son in another country, I know that these final steps can happen too!
   I also must add that with telling both of our families about this trip, we never heard one negative response, only excitement, which is huge too!!

are we so BLIND to see the ruins in our marriages, families or communities?

   Reading in Nehemiah this morning has encouraged me. God will direct our paths, he will protect us and he will fight for us but that doesn't mean that we will not have to work hard and to stay alert. This morning, I read chapters one-four, Nehemiah's leadership skills really stuck out to me. He saw an area that was in ruins, an area that should be sacred, his heart mourned for it, he prayed about it, then lined up everything that he needed to be in order before speaking to the king & receiving permission to start his work.
   What is sacred these days? Our marriages, family, homes and what about our communities? Are we checking our hearts to see if it is closed off to feeling sorrow for areas such as these? If so, are we praying about it? See, Nehemiah didn't just feel sorry for these people. It wasn't an "awe what a shame that they have to live like that", it was a sorrow, it was turning it over to God but one main key that has to go with a heart check & praying is action. Chapter 2:⁵ and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”... SEND & REBUILD are the action words here!! My Pastor, Freddie Brown has taught me to look for the action words in the Bible, don't miss those words... they are powerful!! Send & Rebuild!!!!
   In my reading I came to another verse that made a huge wow factor for me & I am going to post the Message version ¹⁹ When Sanballat the Horonite, Tobiah the Ammonite official, and Geshem the Arab heard about it, they laughed at us, mocking, "Ha! What do you think you're doing? Do you think you can cross the king?" ²⁰ I shot back, "The God-of-Heaven will make sure we succeed. We're his servants and we're going to work, rebuilding. You can keep your nose out of it. You get no say in this—Jerusalem's none of your business!"   This got me to thinking about so many marriages that fail, most of them because they don't believe that God can restore because they have so many people saying, "are you crazy? you would want to stay with him/her after they did that to you? you can't trust them again!" What if the couples would tell these people to get their nose out of their marriage because GOD says, WE will succeed? Then I thought about places like WE WILL GO Ministries, an inner city ministry that gets ridiculed by so many because the majority of the area that this ministry lies in, is in ruins. What if they had said, "that's crazy, we aren't going to move to the ghetto, we will be killed, our children will be stolen & sold for drugs". Ha, this ministry has flourished, it has reached so many people & it is steadily growing & restoring the city that is in ruins! I also thought about a family that our church helped last week. A family of 6 kids that came to school hungry, filthy clothed and lacking the care from their parents. A bus driver named Robin, a lady from our Church saw the ruin, her heart mourned, prayers went up & her husband Doug stood up in church, lining out the plans to help this family & action took place! Other than knowing that the children were fed, I don't know the full impact of this out reach but one day, I hope to say, "what if this bus driver hadn't checked her heart to see the need, to see the ruins, where would these kids & family be". I await that day!
   Okay so our hearts have to be checked, we must pray, listen & DO the work but like in Nehemiah, the work might not be easy, actually we have to stay alert. 4:16-18 ⁶ From that day on, half of my men did the work, while the other half were equipped with spears, shields, bows and armor. The officers posted themselves behind all the people of Judah ¹⁷ who were building the wall. Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, ¹⁸ and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked. But the man who sounded the trumpet stayed with me. They had to work with one hand, while staying alert & carrying protection in the other hand!! Do we just work hard on our marriages, yet we let our guards down & let the enemy in? Do the people at WWG ministries just work hard & ignore drug dealers that come into their ministry to destroy it? Builders carried materials with one hand & a sword in the other, that is hard work! 
   I look at what this means with parenting. Parenting is hard work but are we staying alert to the enemy that can enter into our teens lives? In this day and times, the enemy has so many areas that he can enter. Are we checking our heart? Have we given up on the fight to raise our children up in the Lord because the work is SO hard these days, have we lost hope? I have to admit at times it seems like it could be so much easier to give up because the work is hard, the fight is tough. We have to pray and ask God to keep us alert to these footholds, gosh there are so many!!!
   I am inspired to check my heart to see the ruins, to pray & listen & to do the action and let the LORD fight for me.

Watch your MOUTH Betty

Proverbs 18:8 - The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.

Last week after I left a doctors appointment I had to kill time until I could meet a lady to buy a book, so I decided to have a late lunch, all by myself. I went to a little Mexican place that I rarely eat at, they have the BEST chips and I couldn't wait to eat some. It was around 2, so the place wasn't busy at all. The lady sat me a couple of tables over from a group of 7 or so people, they seemed to have been there for a while, just talking & laughing. You could tell by appearance that the people at the table were Christians, well, I couldn't see their hearts but again, by their clothes & hair, I felt sure that they were Christians. I ordered my food & decide that I needed to eat slow, so that I could waste time until the meeting.
    As I am sitting there enjoying my meal, my ears start hearing the conversations from the group across from me and all of a sudden, my chips didn't taste as good. I started to hear phrases about other preachers, not totally bad ones but they seemed pretty judgmental. I also heard about certain people that weren't in church & how they would never change and the tithing topic got brought up as well. I was appalled to hear these conversations so loudly and in public, from what it seemed to be pastors and or leaders. I wondered if the other family that was sitting near this group, were Christians and if so or even if not, was this kind of talk turning them off? A voice in me kept saying, you know, you should say something to these people on your way out! As I am sitting there, thinking these thoughts, I realized how much judgement I was placing on this group!!! Would I have listened as closely if I couldn't tell that they were Christians? I didn't know if these people had bent over backwards to help the families that they were talking about & maybe they were just at a lost as to what to do. Who was I to judge their judgements? Had I not had some of these very conversations myself? You know, I don't know if what they were saying was just gossip, discernment or just talking problems out but what I do know is that it affected me. It made me loose my appetite! It made me start thinking about what I say, not only in a public place like that for everyone to hear but also on the phone with just a friend or in front of my kids. I don't want others to feel what I felt that day. Sure we need to talk & be discerning and we need to make judgements about certain people and issues so that we can know how to address situations. The one thing that hit me though is that if you aren't covering the people or situation in prayer, if you are just talking & not praying, it probably shouldn't be coming out of your...MY... mouth!! This includes family...ugh.... yes friends & family members that just can't get it together, that choose to live foolishly. You know the ones that drive you insane with always living in drama and a full blown crazy cycle that they choose to live in? Yeah, so God has really told me to watch my mouth!! Watch it because my words can affect & infect people. Instead of venting about how wrong this or that person is, I am choosing to let it out to God. I want my words to represent Christ. Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 
   Lord, help me to watch my mouth, even if that means to talk less, even if that means that I need to learn to bite my tongue, even if that means that I might not get my .02cents in! Help me to to talk my judgments out to you & depend on you for clarity & direction! You, my redeemer, are my defender, your defense carries more power than my words, remind me to always allow you to defend my  honor and should I have to speak, make judgments or even take action, help me to do these things through you!!

Teacher, say what?

   Has God called you to do something that you are feel that you aren't equipped to do?
 ^{Hebrews 13:20-21}
 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, ²¹ equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
 This week, most of our area public schools have started their new school year. They have had their "meet the teacher" nights, stores have boomed with everyone shopping for back to school clothes & backpacks and the back to school pictures  are constantly being put on the net from moms. I remember being a child & how exciting the first day back to school was and I also remember being a mom of a public school child & his many first days of school. I remember when God called me to homeschool my children, thinking of the many things that they would miss out on, the first day, meet the teachers and back to school clothes were on my list of what they would will miss out on.
   Today, it's 7am and my kids are still in bed, our school year hasn't started yet! We will start next week, I have been busy researching curriculum and ordering their books and supplies. When I first started homeschooling, I remember that I thought it was strange that other homeschool families didn't stay on track with the public schools, the start their school year, the start & end of the school day and vacation days. I soon realized that even though there needs to be structure and a daily routine, keeping up with the public schools just didn't make sense in my home. As of next week, our routine will kick in, with also allowing adjustments for a couple of classes that will be taught outside of my home this year.
   If you knew what goes on inside of my head, you would realize how much of a miracle it is, that I am homeschooling my children. As a child, I didn't apply myself in school, I just "got by". As I got older, I believed that I couldn't be successful in life because I didn't do well in school. My not doing well in school was the result of not applying myself, NOT because I wasn't smart enough but it took me a long time to realize that. When God told me that I needed to homeschool Olivia for kindergarten, I was like ok, I can do that but then he said, you have to homeschool Nick too. ugh!! Nick was in 7th grade and one of the smartest kids that I knew and the thought of teaching him intimidated me. I won't go into the problems we were having with the system and how he was doing in school because it really came down to God telling me to do something and I needed to obey. I didn't feel sure of my ability, some of the thoughts of not being smart because of my schooling still lingered in my head. I was pretty fearful but God kept assuring me that I had heard him right, so I made the leap into homeschooling both of my children. I can't say that we haven't struggled. You know the saying" If God lead you to it, he will lead you thru it"? Well, he has proven that saying true in so many ways. I am not equipped but God is. I don't have a degree in teaching but God told me that it's ok because I am sufficient. When I get the normal questions from family, friends & strangers about being sufficient, about not having a degree, about not doing it the way the public schools do or about being socially deprived, I hear God whisper, I called you to it, these are my plans that you are obeying and that kind of assurance helps me answer the questions. Hearing God constantly tell me that I am enough, over rides what I used to believe about myself and my ability and walking it out in obedience is a daily choice for me. I choose to believe that what he has called me to do will impact and mold my children for what he has in store for their future but I also believe that he uses this act of obedience to shape me, to mold me, to tell me daily that I am enough.
  
 


   
  

Drop your pointing fingers & open your arms

   It's funny how God will use a sermon & use it in a totally different way for you. Last Sunday, Larry Pate spoke on loving more, pointing your fingers less, to serve more and to "go out" for Jesus more. All week, I have prayed that God would show me where I point my fingers and boy has he answered! 
   I am sure we can all look back on our past & see how we have been molded. We can think back to something that we went through or a skill that we had to learn or a battle that we had to walk through, that has  either opened you up to being help others in that area or maybe you are using it in life today but never saw back then, how it could be used in your future. Joyce Meyers says, "let God turn your test into a testimony and your mess into a message". Can we look at our life daily or during a trial and say, "Lord, this is for my good & your glory (Janine Mangum quote) and I don't know why I am going through this or why I am having to learn this skill at this job that I can't stand but I am going to trust you enough to make the best of it and let you apply it later, if need be.
   I can surely look back on my life and see how I have been molded & I can also look back & see where my sins brought consequences that hindered what God was using to mold me. I can see how my photography is being used now to bless others and to help my finances now but what if I had gone through college and finished that journey. Imagine the lives that I could have touched, instead of living in shame & feeling like a failure in that area & storing that gift away, until I finally let God break those shackles. I can look at the years that I spent working in a preschool, teaching pre-k, at how it gave me helped give me have confidence with homeschooling when God called me to homeschool my children. I can also look at my Daddy and see how knowing who he was, has helped me have compassion and a more servant heart towards my husband because they share many of the same qualities.
   Can we as parents look into the daily lives of our children and see how they are being molded? Can we look at the struggles that our teens face, their battles of sin/weaknesses and say, "Lord, I am going to trust you, you hear my prayers, I am not going to control this area, I am going to trust that you are allowing this because it will help shape him/her"?  That's a hard one huh? I wonder if we stopped pointing our fingers & relate more, would their hearts be more willing to change? Yeah, probably so & I do try this but when the going gets tough, it's easier to point fingers and control right?
  Can we as spouses drop the expectations of our husband/wife and trust that God could be in the process of molding them? I wonder how  much freedom this would bring, if we could live that daily? If I could REALLY not just know but live it? If it's a job that they hate, that you are sick of hearing about, could we encourage them to hang in there because God might use that skill or even workplace for his kingdom & your spouse? If it's a sin or a struggle that they have, can we get over our own selves, stop pointing our fingers and pray and believe that God is strong enough to free them/us but maybe the walking out of this struggle, the dieing to flesh is exactly what God using to mold them/us? Would that help us to encourage, love and accept in a more compassionate way?
   I know there's a lot of questions in this blog, really this is just a bunch of thoughts & questions that I have jotted down, while trying to stop wrestling with my pointing finger & to trust God.
Lord, help me to love like you do, help to stop pointing my finger and open my arms, help me to trust you more and forgive me when I don't.

Not listening to the old girl inside of me anymore!!!

   Communication, hearing and our responses can be so hard! Especially when you realize that you can be speaking, hearing & responding through wounds. Even more so, is when you have always been prideful of how this wound from the past never affected you, that you had let it go but letting it go & being healed from it can be two different things. Letting it go can mean that you walk away, choose not to focus on it and choose not to hold it over that person but the brokenness can infect your life forever if you do not allow God to heal & mend this broken area.
   A few months ago in my marriage class, we were on the subject of relating with each other. I remember thinking, I have no clue as to how I relate to Mike but God did speak something to me that night. This something would need to be talked about with my husband, it wasn't anything that I had done but still the fear of admitting hurt from the past, how I was hurt, yet had always been prideful of how strong I was of not letting this hurt have power over me. HA! I wasn't brave enough to be so revealing and I didn't give Mike credit enough to believe that he would be compassionate and want to even hear about it. God keeps telling me though, "Betty this is the root, break it off".
   You see, I love and adore my Daddy, he has passed way but it doesn't feel right saying loved & adored because I still do. Anyway, I had to do a lot of forgiveness because he wasn't always so loving and easy to adore. He was good man but one with a quick temper and one that wasn't able to control it and know when to say when with his words & actions, in fact, he was abusive. It didn't ever stop me from loving him, I knew that he was taught this way as well. I was the one in our bunch that had a very hard time listening to belittling remarks and the harsh words that were not warranted, was the worst for me. I would stand up to him and most of the time get physically knocked now but I didn't learn, I had the mindset of, I will not allow you to talk to me & treat me wrongly, I will stand up for myself even knowing that I would get knocked down one way or the other, mentally or physically. Now I am not here to bash my father or for anyone to think wrongly of him. Later in the years, he & I had many talks about how much he hurt me and he did listen and he did apologize and he did mean it
Actually in his last years, I was his right hand and own his death bed, he knew when I wasn't around, he would call out my name. Sigh... I miss that man!!!
   The affect of those wounds though, how I relate to others, didn't change. I have been relating with the motto of you won't treat or talk to me unfairly, I will control this area in my life now! God seemed to have been able to really work on me with how I relate to others, years ago. I listened & realized that it was wrong & have been intentional to try & not be controlling and defensive. I still respond to my husband out of those wounds. When I hear, how many times do I have to tell you, what I really hear is, Betty you are so stupid. When I hear, you need to get this done today, do you think that you can you do this? What I really hear is a command, do this because I say so & are you capable of doing what I ask. I hear these things as if Mike is trying to talk to me like a child. Now Mike isn't trying to call me stupid, incapable or to treat me like a child and this always comes out when I respond defensively. He will be furious because he doesn't get where I could think these things and it isn't fair at all to him. He doesn't understand it because I have only shared how it comes across with me. I myself didn't realize that it stems from the agreement that I made many years ago with myself in a defense mechanism with my father. Now, anyone that knows Mike, knows that the tone of his voice & words can seem harsh at times but I KNOW his heart & whether or not he needs to change, is between him & God but my response IS up to me.
   I wonder if any of this stems off into why it can be so hard to speak words of affirmation, appreciation and adoration to Mike. Is it pride, being strong & having a hard time showing submission through my words? Last week, I blogged about being challenged to encourage my husband through my words (I am challenged). It has been humbling to realize how hard that can be. I have tried to make it a point to speak something each day and I am not talking about I love you because that is easy to say. I am talking about things like, Thank you for dealing with the cable guy & letting me stay in my room, editing pictures or I knew you could do it, the tv looks great (when he installed my tv above my fireplace). For some of you, words like this come easy but it seems foreign to me. This morning, I decided to look up some proverbs to help me in this area and one stuck out which covers so much. Proverbs 31:26 When she speaks her words are wise & kindness is the rule for everything that she says. Whoa huh? So I then started looking up verses on being wise & wrote down ones concerning being wise & patient with my responses & walking away from anger. Proverbs 19: 11 says A wise man restrains from his anger and overlooks insults, this is to his own credit!!! Whew! I also looked up verses on being kind with my words. Proverbs 16:24 says,  Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 
   Can you see how God is dealing with me on my hearing, communication and responses? I surely can!! Mike & I don't argue a lot but when it is, it always comes down to communication & I am tired of this broken record! I am ready to be healed & set free from hearing with the old ears, after all, I am a new creation in Christ right? I am ready to hear, speak & respond wise & kind!!!
   This reminds me of a song that we have just started singing at Church. Listen to it & be encourage!!

I am challenged!!

   Last night we had our monthly marriage class at our Church and it was on sex...Woohoo right? I just have to say that we have the funniest people at our Church!!! I really did grasp some great truths from the message about God, sex & my husband. I think though that I had a couple of things that stuck out more than the sex part. In one part of the video that we watched, they had a group discussion with couples, they were sharing about what lures each spouse in. One husband said, "my wife tells me how amazing I am in so many different ways, she speaks this to me and I feel like I am the best husband ever." Then another part, a husband talked about how his wife always told him thank you and showed appreciation for doing things around the house or in the yard. My teacher, Janine said that men like a parade when they do these things & its our job to throw it. EVEN if it doesn't seem right, our men want our praises because two things that they desire the most (not including sex) is respect/honor & appreciation.
   Hearing these two gut wrenching discussions had me looking like a deer in headlights!! I mean, don't get me wrong I do tell Mike thank you but I surely don't throw a parade!! Mike is a hard worker, he will come home and go straight to work outside in the yard or doing something to the house or on a car, he has done these things during our entire marriage. I think that I have taken those things for granted because they come naturally to Mike, it is what he does. Then the part of telling him how amazing he is...whew... it's not that I "don't" think this. I actually say it a lot to my friends and I do tell him at times how awesome he is but often might really be narrowed down to seldom. I am just not built to let the words flow out like that, it feels risky, as crazy as that sounds. I can look at him and think these things to myself but why is it when I sit here & imagine myself letting the words come out, does it seem like it would be fake? Is it pride, is it wounds, is it untruths that the enemy has lead me to think? Not only do men desire praise & honor but read the verse below from the Bible, I have 2 versions here. They seem a little different, one version just says respect but the other one goes deeper, explaining what respect should be given.
 ³³ So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
And the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband--obeying, praising, and honoring him" Ephesians 5:33
I am challenged and even saying those 3 words brought out a sigh. I am going to pray through whatever it is that keeps me from showing respect, honor & praise with my words/mouth because my heart does truly want my husband to feel like my hero!!!

Can you TRUST even in dark waters?

   Last week the kids and I made our way to Gulf Shores Alabama and had a wonderful time. We were invited by cousins on my husbands side of the family, cousins that I had only been around a few minutes here and there. It didn't take but a minute to realize that our families "fit" right together, just as if we had grown up around each other. The entire week was spent in pjs and swimming suits! This was the most relaxed vacation that I have ever had. We didn't even eat out until the last night there, you can't get more low key than that!
   The first day on the beach, the water wasn't clear at all. I got in feeling a little uneasy because I didn't know what was swimming around me or what was ready to pinch my toes but after a few minutes the fears were gone. On the second day the water was clear, I got in without feeling uneasy because I could clearly see what was around me.  I constantly searched  around me and looked out into the ocean ahead of me, looking to see what might "get me". What I noticed was that I wasn't really fearful but had this feeling that I could handle myself. At this point, I wasn't even waist deep, I felt like I could control my fate from danger because I could see all that was around me & I was close enough to run for cover on shore.
   Later that night I was sitting on the beach, listening to the crashing waves, absorbing the beauty that God had set out in front of me and felt God opening my eyes and ears. The ocean was so dark and I thought, there is noway that I would get in that water right now, even though it looked so peaceful. God reminded me of the unclear water, the clear water and the dark water. He said, Betty the water is still the same, it is how you choose to stand in it. Will you be fearful, will you play at ease or will you stand with caution from wisdom that I have given you. You see, when the water was unclear, I became carefree because I couldn't control what I didn't see. When the water was clear, I wasn't carefree because I on guard to control my safety. When the water was dark, I knew better than to get out in it because I had been taught about beach safety and feeding times for sharks.
   I can't go into full details about how this has been applied to my life but I must share a little. I am not sure if you remember the blog about the book of Samuel & how Hannah gave him back to the Lord (I give you my son) but I was able to see fruit on this vacation from obeying God regarding my son. Again, I can't tell you what it was exactly but I can tell you that his heart has been changed in many areas. I saw my son feeling grieved by things that he saw & heard, things that a year ago would have been a huge temptation for him. We talked for a couple of hours and he went on and on about different things going on in his life. My heart felt like it was going to explode because these issues were answered prayers, it was growth & maturity and redemption over thoughts, actions and motives that I used to try to control. I realized that when things were clear, like the clear ocean, is when I sheltered Nick so much, I could control (not) what affected his thoughts, motives & actions, so I frantically watched around him for danger and even looked way out into the future, fearful of how his future would be affected. The unclear water represented how I started to let go. In the unclear water, I had no choice but to let go, well when God spoke strongly to me about parenting in fear, I had no choice but to let go & trust God. I had to allow Nick to grow and walk on his own. Then there's the dark water, it is where I find peace in trusting that the Lord will give me the wisdom that I need when I need to step in and protect my son, when I need to pull him back from the darkness and the unknown. This is where I choose to reside, in the peace of the Lord and his protection because when I finally chose to sit in this place, God was able to reach Nicks heart. God was able to speak to Nick and open his eyes and to break my sons heart for sinful ways not only of his but for the ways of this world.
   Now today, I wonder where else in my life that I need to walk in the unclear waters & let go, to wander around a little more carefree, a little or a lot less controlling and then to sit back in the peace of knowing that God will give me wisdom, he will protect and he will answer when I seek him. What are the areas that I watch out frantically, ready to attack & control instead of seeking and trusting God? Something to chew on for sure!!
  Just so you know, the following days I became carefree in the ocean even on the clear days, I had fun and trusted that I would be safe. I do however, have a tubing trip this weekend in a river with snakes and possible gators. Lord help me to apply these truths to the unclear, mucky river water so that I can have fun and be carefree!!
Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
a couple pictures that I took while on vacation

Be still my soul be still

   Today the kids and I are heading out of town. We will be heading to Gulf Shores Alabama, which is about 4.5hrs from where we live. I still have to go gas up & get an updated inspection sticker because mine has been out for a while now! We are leaving early enough to not worry about rushing but then again, the beach will be there all week right?
Months ago, we were invited to go on this trip by my husbands cousin, Elizabeth. We will be staying in a  condo with her family, her sister & kids and her mom. Mike side of the family doesn't get together nearly as often as mine does but when we do see them, I always feel a closeness. Elizabeth & I also share a love for photography, so we have talked quite a bit on facebook. To me, this invitation says so much about this family and I can't wait to get to  know them even better this week! I think this is also another way that God is stretching my box, this one though isn't a tough one at all though!!
About a month ago, God started dealing with me on being busy and he has been working hard with his chisel at my stubborn ways!!! I have slowed down a lot, I have said no to a lot, I have delegated and many days have been spent here at my home! I did however try to become a busy bee on this trip! I had this thought that I would book a few photography sessions **good intentions** while being on this trip to help pay for the cost. I thought, this would make the load a little easier on my husband, so I posted details about my trip and received a lot of responses. As strange as it sounds, none of them worked out, yet each one all seemed 100% ready to book. I think God played a huge hand in this. While I don't think that my intentions were bad, they actually seemed pretty smart, I know now that God has other plans for this trip. I think that I told you how God has been asking me WHY so  much lately right? Well the "why" had good reasons, to help finances and to give some friends sessions on the beach with their families. It reminds me of the verse in Proverbs..."There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death". Now surely this isn't literal for this situation but I have felt like God is saying, Betty your ways, even those with good intentions seem right, they sound good but being out of balance can lead to death in so many areas of your life. I feel like this vacation is to show me how I can be "still", I think it will be a simple, yet life absorbing vacation and doesn't that sound good? Gosh, I can't wait!

I leave you with one of my favorite singers, Kari Jobe!
Oh & I T-Totally can't wait for a week to just have FUN with  my camera on the beach, no work, just fun!!! I am very grateful and feel like a very blessed lady today!!
By the way, if you can't tell how eager that I am to leave for the beach, look at how short this blog is, that should tell ya in a big way!!
Have a blessed week my friends!!

Unanswered Prayers

   Ever have those times that you can stop and see how your life could have turned out so differently had God answered a prayer? You know the type of prayer that I am talking about, the kind that you are pleading for him to jump in and intervene and give you what YOU so desperately want.
   Yesterday I received a call from a young lady that very well could have been me, had God not stepped in and pulled me away from my old life. The voice was so frail and weak and I could tell that the story that she was telling me was like a rerun for her. Just a different situation but the same life, the same problems, the same addictions. As I listened to her pour her heart out to me, a complete stranger, I thought, Lord thank you for not answering the many prayers that I sent up over 18yrs ago.  Thank you for rewriting my story and opening my eyes to the man that you had destined me for & closing my eyes to the man that this girl is hurting over. 
   I remember the day that I met Tony, I was 18yrs old and saw the guy that I just knew that I had to have. He had been coming in the store that I worked at for about a week but all of a sudden, something sparked & we started talking and before I knew it, he was living with me which only took a matter of 3 days. My life changed, the two roommates that I had moved out pretty quickly and the two of us were inseparable.
   Over the next 5yrs I prayed that God would keep us together. You see, we started out as friends, best friends and we went back and forth with it being best friends to friends with benefits, to it being that we knew that we "loved" each other but something always got in the way. I am sure that it was the GRACE of GOD now!! whew!! Tony introduced me to just about every hard drug there was and we were constantly on something. My family begged me to leave this life, my friends told me how different I was and most left. I even had a friend named Tommy, that convinced me to leave that life and to move to Houston to go to college and I did. After about a month, Tony moved to Texas with me and I ended up getting back on drugs and flunking out of school.
   The stories go on and on and I was reminded of this life as I heard the familiar voice on the other end of the phone. I had never talked to her before but I knew her story, it sounded a lot like my stories from years back. She said he had talked a lot about me, so she even knew some of my stories and maybe that is why she felt so comfortable with me.
   Out of privacy, I won't go into private details of what she shared with me but I will share why she called. I had first contacted her because I saw on facebook where Tony had posted that he was going to jail and I was curious as to why, I was curious if his life had changed any at all. I will say though that I believe that God ministered to her during our call. I gave a hard word that I believe she was able to "hear" because it was coming from someone that made it out of that life,  made it out of her very shoes. I am not sure if she will take drastic measures to walk away from that lifestyle but I do believe that a seed was planted. I gave her resources to ministries that could help her and I prayed for her as well.
   I guess I should add that in both hers and my stories with Tony, it wasn't always him. In both cases, he had gone to rehab many times and when he would get out, great intentions were set but HE had gotten help she & I hadn't, so at times the girl in his life lead him back into drugs as well. I just didn't want to paint him to be this horrible person. He isn't a bad guy, he is just someone that needs healing from his addictions and that won't happen until he allows God to do a complete work in him. 
   God didn't answer my prayers about Tony because he knew that Mike was still out there for me and I can't finish this sort of blog without bragging on my husband Mike. After I was finally over Tony, I dated a few different men but honestly they were just men that helped me "get over" Tony. When I met Mike, he spun my world in a totally different way, in a better way. I remember when he would call me, I would think, "this guy REALLY adores me". He was so different, that he didn't even bother to kiss me for 2weeks after we met. I had never met a guy that treated me so special. His face lit up when he saw me, he would smile from ear to ear. He was sent by God, he loved me from day one. Mike was the answer to my prayers and as I listened to that familiar fragile voice of this girl, all I could do was respond with, God loves you and he wants to restore your life and the story that you are telling me, isn't what God has destined for you. God spoke life into her and also used her story to remind me of where I came from and how much GOD has always been FOR ME!!
   So today, I am one girl that is thankful that God didn't answer those prayers with who I thought was the right man for me, he just shook his head and said....
Jeremiah 29 ^:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am breaking that old record that keeps playing the same old song!

   I keep trying to justify reasons to not live a physical healthy lifestyle, when really it boils down to being stubborn. Months back, I blogged about learning to dance in life. I felt a strong word from the Lord about letting everything go so that I can dance through life with him but I have yet to let go of the one thing that causes me to hold back, my unhealthy eating habits. My excuses sound like a record that just plays over and over until you are so sick of hearing the same ole song! I have had some great intentions but the drive behind them doesn't push through more than a few days. It boils down to, "I want what I want", I have refused to allow the Lord to change my mind, to submit my will for his in this area of my life. Which I think, is probably the best definition for stubborness ever!
   For those of you that don't know my 7ry Olivia, she is an encourager, she wants everyone to be happy, to feel special and her heart just breaks when she sees someone that is down. She will tell me "Mom, you are so beautiful", even on days when I have been working in the garden and look a complete mess. When we go out and about, I can't tell you how many people that she gives compliments to, it could be how pretty their purse is or how awesome their finger nail polish is or if she sees a man holding the door for their spouse, she will say, "awe that is so sweet of you".
   God gave Olivia to me to raise up, to bring her up in the ways of the Lord, right? To help her avoid the ways of the world, to teach her to self control.... ***insert screeching train wheels that are being forced to stop, here*** this is where my stubborness shows its ugly head. There probably aren't many children that would choose to have self control if they were given the opportunity, this is where the parent steps in. You see, Olivia loves junk foods and sweets are at the top of her list. It is so much easier to say yes, Olivia, you can have a snack cake, instead saying no, lets go play outside because really, most of the time snacking is the result of being bored right?
   Olivia also loves quality time, she loves being on a team or having a partner to do things with. She is my walking buddy, not that we are are walking now but when I have tried to get refocused on good habits, she is right along beside me. She is one that will encourage you to keep on doing what is right, which is really why I haven't let the words "lets do this together" come out of my mouth. I knew that she would not relent, even to the point of it hurting her feelings.
   Honestly, there is a temptation to team up with her, how much more accountable could I get than the guilt of a child...right? I would never put that on her though. I also don't want to keep training her how to eat unhealthy.  I have to be her leader, I have to give wise instructions, I have to help guide her and I need to motivate her as much as she would me! I am accountable for how I raise her because she will reap the consequences for my lack of self control. I will pass my battle right down to her if I do not choose to submit to the Lord in this area.
   I keep thinking of the verse, Philippians 4:13 I CAN do all things in Christ who gives me strength. The word CAN is the key word in that verse to me. It really becomes a question of AM going to do or Will do, right? It's like I CAN conquer this unhealthy lifestyle because Christ has given me the strength but there must be more action on my part, I have to "do" I can't just sit back & say that I CAN do it, I MUST do it right? Honestly, my "want to" isn't very strong right now.
   Lord, I have started on this journey so many times and honestly I am not starting out feeling like I can defeat this battle, I am sitting here feeling like "am I trying again". Lord you know my heart, you know that my flesh is weak, you know that there is no way that I can do this without you, you know that this will be a minute by minute battle for me. Lord help me to choose life, help me to flee from what is harmful. Conform my mind....
TAKE MY LIFE……AND FORM IT

TAKE MY MIND……TRANSFORM IT

TAKE MY WILL……CONFORM IT

TO YOURS, TO YOURS, OH LORD

  

He gives hope to the HOPELESS

     

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰ Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

   Last night, I was so tempted to blog about some exciting news but I chose to be wise and be attentive to my family. Instead, when I got home from taking Nick to his piano lessons, I baked my husband cookies because he wasn't feeling very well. While baking the cookies, Nick was playing his guitar along with a song that was playing on the computer. It was an oldie but goodie, Nothing but the blood of Jesus, it was Andy Cherry's version of it. The words kept playing over & over and Nick was so into it, he said that this was by far his favorite song right now. I also gave Olivia a bath. She told me, "Mom, I have been praying for my friend all week". You see, last week she met a new friend but this friend had been ugly to other kids and Olivia's little merciful heart was so bothered by it. She said that she told her that, that wasn't nice. This gave me the chance to explain to her on how to give a hard word (in a very sweet 8yrs version ) in a loving way. She seemed to "get it" but she told me, I will just pray for her all week Momma. So when she told me last night, that she had been praying for her friend, it made my heart glad. After these things  had all happened within 30 minutes from each other, I had to praise the Lord for making me wise enough to slow down & be more attentive to my family because had I came home & blogged, I wouldn't have experienced such sweet blessings last night!
   Now on to my exciting news but first I have tell you about the week that has lead up to this news! This is about my friend Kelly that I have been blogging about. I honestly am not sure where I left off, so excuse me if tell a story twice. Last Sunday, Kelly came to Church with me. She was dressed so pretty and so excited to be going to Church. She  made it through worship, she even laid hands on Mike & I individually while praying in the spirit. About halfway into the sermon, I noticed that she was having a hard time staying awake, so I suggested that she go to a room in our Church that has a couch in it, to rest her eyes. After Church, she went to lunch with me, my kids, my Mom & friend Regina. Mom & Regina fell in love with Kelly and immediately started reaching out to her. Kelly got teary eyed when Olivia just reached over, hugged her and thanked her for coming to lunch with us. Kelly said, I miss my children and grand kids so much. I told her, God is wants to restore those relationships but until then, HE is supplying you with grand kids (my kids), he is supplying you with a daughter (me) and he is giving you sisters (my Mom & Regina). After lunch, Mom & Regina went shopping for things that they heard Kelly talking about, things that Kelly uses at home, some needs. This last week, Olivia & I have visited Kelly a few times, just dropping in to say hi and spend some time with her, this seemed to bring such joy to her. My sweet Mom was also lead to drop in on Kelly this week & even took her out shopping to spend the day with her. All of these things have been building up, they have been seeds that God has asked us to plant so he could pour water on, seeds on dry & abandoned soil. Kelly's air went out last week, it just so happened that we had a unit sitting in our garage  not being used. Did I mention that her meal Sunday was free? When I pulled my punch card for the El Cabrito, my card was full, which meant I could get a free meal. All of this to say, God has been providing for Kelly in huge ways, he has been showing out and she realizes it too.
   Last night on our way home from Nick's piano lessons, I went by Kelly's to drop off a lamp that I wanted to give her. I was taken back for a moment. I listened carefully as she talked about the day that she had spent with my Mom, she was beyond happy. Kelly acted just like she did 15yrs ago. There were not any slurred words, she was moving around without swaying back & forth, she was even laughing differently. She showed me some of her creative things that she has been making and told me funny stories about her day too. I also realized, Kelly hasn't been walking nearly as much lately. She hasn't been that lady that you would see walking  down our very busy hwy, burning up from the heat and in her own little world. She was living a more normal life, a life that 2 weeks ago she cried about wanting but a life that she didn't think could ever happen again. After taking all of this in, I told Kelly about the changes that I was seeing. She said, "I haven't taken my medicine". I questioned if that was the right thing to do but she assured me that it was what she felt that she needed to do. You see, about 2 weeks ago, when she hadn't had her medicine, she would borrow a different kind from a friend because she said she felt too nervous without taking it, she couldn't function without it, this is why she walked so much because she couldn't sit still. You see, both her medicine & her friends medicine seem to be too strong for her. She said, "I just feel like I want to be normal, I feel like I can do without it today". I told her, "GOD is restoring you Kelly, I am not sure if you need the medicine or not but we need to be careful and wise to this". I could not get over how different she was.
   I started thinking of all of the things that God has done for her in the last month or so, things that he used my family to do. What if, I had been too busy to listen to God or what if I had listened and just offered a little financial help and not the family that she needed. What if I hadn't believed God when he said, get out of your jeep and declare this prayer over her life, that GOD wanted to use me to help bring restoration to her life. What if I had been too scared to believe that, after all, she did seem so out of control. I was also reminded of everything while listening to my son sing these words, what can make me whole again, nothing but the blood of Jesus. I feel like he is making her whole, he is restoring her life!!  It reminds me of the verse
Jeremiah 31:25

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint

   
  

Jesus is saying, Betty, Betty you are anxious, you are busy, choose a good portion!

    Luke 10:38-42 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” 

     To be honest,  I have always been a prideful Martha. The fact that I could see what needs to be done, get straight on it, delegate task but never understanding why the Marys couldn't do this on their own. Then of coarse I would grumble in my head, why are they standing around talking when they see others working, even if they didn't know where to start, wouldn't seeing work being done be an obvious sign? Now if you are a Mary, don't be mad because I adore you, I am only being honest about a prideful ignorance in myself. Believe me, God has had to deal with a very stubborn Martha! I can assure you that he has broken through a lot of pride and stubborness in my heart on this matter. You see, many years ago, the grumbling didn't stay in my head, it exploded out of my mouth like an angry drill sergeant in horrible insults & demands. Thankfully I didn't get struck down for being so selfish and prideful. Thankfully he showed me how cruel that was and I changed my ways and my heart, to a certain degree anyway.
   About a year ago, my pastor, Freddie Brown, gave a sermon on Mary & Martha and God continued to chisel away at my pride of being a hardworking Martha. I never really saw the disadvantage of being a busy Martha. God started opening my eyes to the relationships that the Marys had with others. It seemed like people, even myself, were drawn to Marys. I started seeing that if I needed help with a task, I would go to a Martha but if needed someone to lift my spirits and make me smile, I would go to the Marys in my life. This sermon really allowed God to show me how important it is to have balance and honestly it is still at work. I did search my heart, I repented for the grumbling and started giving grace but also started seeking to become more like Mary.
   While reading the word this morning, I realized that I haven't tried to have the Martha-Mary balance at home. I can honestly say that in the last week or so, I have slowed down and tried to be more like this with my husband. I have done work outside in our yard & garden to take try take some of the work off of my husband & I have been intentionally stopping everything else, to "be" with him. However, even though he is my leader, he isn't the only life that I can stop for in my home. My little Olivia craves quality time and everything about a Mary because she is a 100% Mary, even in ways that might seem like Martha, in her mind the things that she does are like gifts. When she cleans my room or makes my bed, it isn't because she sees that it needs to be done, it is so she can make me smile and she is expressing her love for me. My son, well he is a different story and he is a go with the flow type, I think I do spend more time with him, because he isn't demanding it like Olivia, he isn't pulling at me. As for uninvited guest that pop in, my gosh how can I be expected to stop doing and be hospitable? It's like a train going at full speed and all of a sudden it needs to stop in a second flat, the wheels might stop turning but the train can't stop that quick. I might stop but my mind is in a million different places, it's on editing, it's on laundry, it's on the mess that the guest see around me. I am even worse when it comes to people that come to visit Mike. Most of them never come inside, they stay in the yard or go to his shop and yes, even if a wife comes with them, I rarely go outside to greet them. Didn't I mention that I was being honest? What's funny is that I justify it because well, everyone knows how busy I am, surely they know how precious my time is. Can you say prideful?
   Today I am encouraged because the Lord has already started working on me with balance, my life (my train) has slowed down a bit. He has started with opening my eyes to balance with my husband and the needs there. If you have been reading my blog, you know that he has opened my eyes to the needy, the importance of slowing down enough to SEE the needs, even if it is just to help ONE person at a time, instead of multitudes. Now, I feel like he is showing me how I can extend the same grace, love & hospitality in my own home, to slow down because Martha & Mary are both needed in my home.
Proverbs 14:1
 A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.
Lord  keep showing me, keep speaking to my heart and giving me wisdom in knowing that building is more than the doing part, it is more than the physical, it is taking time to enjoy the process!
  

Lead Me

     Last week, I stepped out of my box in a couple of big ways. The first step was to join a coed team with my husband. It really couldn't get over the fact that I actually said yes to something so out of the box for me. I instantly saw the fruit of it though. When my husband & I practiced, we had a common interest, we shared something that was new for me, something that he could lead me in, something that he could assure me that I would do fine, something that he was able to pour encouragement in me through. It felt good too and I could tell by the look on his face, that he enjoyed it as well. I also stepped out of my box by planning a very romantic night for our anniversary. Now of coarse, I can't get into those details but I can say that I was nervous!! It wasn't that I hadn't planned romantic nights before but it has been a very long time, so it felt new to me, sad huh? It did however, open my eyes to how valued and adored that it made my husband feel.
 Remember the blog that I posted last week about God asking me why? Well, I keep hearing that question. I have stopped so many times over the last week to ask why. As I said before, it is a process, I am trying to find out why. The answer to most of they why's have been simply, I want to meet others needs or I want them to be happy. Does this mean I am a people pleaser? I am not sure, I don't do things to make people like me or think highly of me, it's help, it's to bring a smile or it's to step in when someone else hasn't. Whatever the case, in this last week, after asking why & getting my answer, God has said, "what is important Betty"? He is taking me beyond they why.
   Our youth worship band sings a song that has some pretty powerful lyrics to it;
You won't relent until You, have it all My heart is Yours You won't relent until You, have it all My heart is Yours. These words keep playing in my mind, he won't relent. It's like the questions that keep coming to me, why, what is important. I feel like he is saying, I won't relent until you get it all Betty, not just a piece of what I am trying to tell you, not just a step in the right direction, I ready to take you all the way.
   Want in on where he leading me? Right back into the arms of my husband, right back to walk along side of him. Most of the Why's have been things that take me away from my husband,  now it's not the leading astray as into the arms of another, it's ministry, it's my children, its my family, it's the things that you feel are "good" things to do. The what is important questions have ended with, well HE is more important, the other things are good and important too but not as important. Not only has God been speaking this to me but yesterday I asked for prayer over something that I needed counsel on & it lead me right back to walking with my husband, letting him lead me. Then in conversation last night with our youth pastor, he told me about a book that he is reading &  that he had thought about me while reading this book. He said that I need to read it. He said that a part of what the book talks about is that, though we all have individual purposes, we have to also realize that our marriages and family have a purpose. Basically like, what is the story that God wants my family to write, the people that he wants it to influence, the ministry that he wants us to serve in, the generations and our legacy.
   I think when one spouse has been on their walk with the Lord longer than the other, we feel the need to lead, we feel that they will catch up, when really we need to walk along beside them. With cutting things out of my life, slowing down, I am able to walk with my husband & my mind isn't in a million different places on where I should be or what I could be getting finished.

band aids won't fix brokeness

   Last night my husband & I attended our monthly marriage class at church taught by Janine & Ted Mangum. We are using the book, "Love & War" and we have enjoyed this journey that the book has been taking us on. Last night we talked about the storms that hover over us, stopping to see the bigger picture, asking why we are in this storm instead of jumping the gun and reacting. Each meeting, we watch a short clip from a dvd & then separate, men with Ted & women with Janine. It is always so refreshing to hear the realness of others, how you aren't the only one or only couple facing issues. As we were going over the different topics that were discussed in the video & book, I noticed a heavy feeling. I noticed my head kept dropping & my eyes were glued to the floor. I was tired but it was more than that, I felt a strong conviction. In the book it said, how many fights start just because you are both worn out? A friend brought up the fact that she will start jabbing at her husband when she can't meet her perfect expectations of herself & she will realize that she has let her project take priority over her life, her husband and sometimes over God. Yes, this is exactly when my head dropped.
   Last August, I went to deliver something to my dear friend, teacher and mentor Janine. She could see tiredness on me. She asked how I was doing. My response was, I am so glad Summer is over, I welcome our school schedule back because this Summer has been so busy. She then mentioned that I had posted on facebook in early Spring that I couldn't wait til Summer hit because I was so ready for a break, to slow down. She said, "when are you going to slow down girl?" Then of coarse, my school year was busy and here I am into Summer & even busier than last year.
   A couple of weeks ago at Church, I felt so tired and weary. Mike & I had been at each others throats for weeks. I felt like I couldn't go on one more second, I needed comfort from the Lord. I got my friend Holly to pray for me. I cried and cried. I knew that it was because he & I were so tired. I received comfort and such a great word from Holly. I talked to Mike afterwards about everything and we started being more patient with each other, we started being nicer and we seemed to be enjoying each other more.
   I realized last night that Mike & I keep putting band aids on our symptoms. We hurt each other from our words, from our actions and we get to a point to where we need to healing but we were just covering our wounds up again. We haven't been really looking at why we keep getting these wounds, so therefore we aren't addressing it correctly, nor giving it the right kind of medication. It's like an infected wound, you have to know what it is in order to make it go away. Last night God said, Why Betty, ask yourself why. I said, Ok God, why. Why do I put things before my husband, why do I run around crazy to help others, yet neglect my home, husband and own children. I felt like a balloon & God had just put a puncture in it to release the air. I have known that I needed to cut out things in my life, I really do have a desire to live more simple, to slow down but I justified my busy life by saying, it isn't in me to slow down, to say no. How do I do it, what do I cut out? Before last night, I had no idea, I would just stop at that point but God again said, Why Betty, Why are these things that keep you so busy so important?
   When Mike & I got home from Church, we sat on our front porch, listening to the crickets and frogs, how much more peaceful can you get? We sat and talked about what God had spoke to us individually in our meetings. God had spoken the same thing to  him. I told him of a few areas that I knew that I wanted to cut out or slow down. It was like we were both looking at this wound & saying no wonder we are feeling the pain and the sad part is that it is self inflicting. We sat and talked about our day. I remember looking up at him, almost like when we were dating, so interested in his day. I remember thinking, how long has it been that I have really wanted to "hear" him without thinking hurrying up, I need to get back to what I was doing.
   I know that I still have issues to address, probably the main one is that God keeps saying Why Betty. Why why why.....do you feel the need to do so much.
   I am almost done but I have to say that tomorrow night, we will have a kid free night, I have big plans...what? Didn't I just say to slow down? Well, my plans are simple, to be at home with my husband, celebrating our anniversary and to do something that I have wanted to do for years. I can't tell you now what it is but I am so excited and for you women that were in our meeting last night, it does NOT have to do with what two other certain women brought up! hahahah
   Also a short update on Kelly, well, I will save that for another day. Terri is coming over soon to work in our garden. I will tell you that things are looking up for Kelly. I see God moving!!!
 

We can HOPE but we also have to BELIEVE

Hebrews 10:35-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ³⁷ For,“In just a little while he who is coming will come and will not delay.”and,

“But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.”

³⁹ But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

   Yesterday, I spent time in Hebrews, mainly chapter 11. I feel like God has been really confirming for & in me, how much we really have to not only hope, not only DO the steps but to firmly believe. It's like when you pray for someone, you want God to heal them & you believe he can but how often do you boldly say LORD I believe in your healing powers right now? It's almost like you hold back because what if it doesn't happen right? What if God has other plans? Well he talks about in Hebrews how David, Samson, Samuel and many others, never saw what he had promised, yet in chapter 11 ⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, ⁴⁰ since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. 

   I got to thinking, this is confirmation for what he has been doing in my friend Kelly's life. I do firmly believe that a miracle will happen. I believe that God is going to bring restoration to her life. Now this doesn't mean that I might be in every step, this doesn't mean that I might still be in her life when this happens but I do believe it and I do believe that what God is using me for is part of the process. This confirmation makes me stand up to fear that arose yesterday when I knew that at some point, very soon, I would have to talk to her caregivers. Having this confirmation changes the way that I will approach them, my confidence in him and his word, I firmly believe will bring peace. 

   Is this the 1st time that I have had faith like this, that I firmly believed in what God can do? No, but I do think that we tend to forget. In Max Lucado's book Fearful, he says that fear causes us to have spiritual amnesia, that fear makes us forget what he has done & that affects our belief in what he will do.

   Yesterday, I was having a day at the house, cleaning, homeschooling, ya know, in my housewife clothes, hair pulled up and hadn't gotten a shower yet. All of a sudden Olivia says, "is Mrs. Kelly suppose to come here today because I think that is her coming up the driveway"! Sure enough, she walked up the driveway and I had to fight back tears. I knew why she had come, she had come to work off her small grocery bill from Sunday. She came up, dug in her bag and pulled out one the most beautiful things that I have seen. Remember me telling you about her rock collection? She had picked up some in my driveway the other day and told Olivia that she would make her a bunny. Then, I couldn't imagine the beauty in what she could do with some rocks but when my eyes saw this bunny, I saw her imagination her creativity. 

   I wish my phone photos could really show you the beauty. I took a picture of the side of it, to show you how she picked just the perfect rocks for the arms and legs, to show dimension and realness. She found an orange rock for a carrot, the details are just precious. Kelly apologized over and over because she wasn't able to use a certain clue that wouldn't show on the bunny. Honestly, I don't think that she could have picked a more grateful child. This is something that Olivia will cherish forever. I encouraged Kelly to come over anytime because Olivia would love to paint and do crafts with her. I told her over and over how gifted she was, however, she looked puzzled because she had always believed that it was insignificant. How sad because I had to turn away when I saw her give my daughter this gift, my tears couldn't be stopped at that point. She has a goal of making enough of these to go to the Canton flea market in October and I believe that she can do it and I believe that God will bless her sweet heart and her gift.

   Kelly had been walking since 9am, just walking her normal route on the hwy, she went to her caregivers and was heartbroken from what went on there, then walked to my house. To give you an idea of how long this took place, she arrived at my house around 3pm. She said that she was out of cigarettes and her medicine and was too nervous, she just had to walk. When she got to my house she was tired though. She wanted to work, I told her there was no need but she insisted to pay off her bill. I convinced her to let me take her home so that she could get a nap and she could work on another day. 

   I expect that she will come back today and I look forward to it. I expect that she will be in my life a lot for a however long and in my heart, I know that this is exactly what we both need. I am sure that I will have to set some boundaries with her visits, times and what not but that will be a growing thing for her. Hopefully things will work out with her caregivers and she will have her cellphone turned back on at some point.

   This has brought to mind, the downtown Jackson  ministry, WE WILL GO. They are turning Jackson around by living in the middle of it all, turning out crack houses into homes, by showing the love of Christ but most of all, believing that HE can do all things, that HE can bring restoration. 

   It also brings to mind lyrics to the song My Savior My God... "you count it strange, so once did I, before I knew my Savior". 

   Amen!!

  

You are an overcomer!!

Luke 10:19
I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.
   The encounters with my friend "Kelly" keeps happening. One of these happened last Thursday night I as I was waiting for my husband to come pull my Jeep out of this deep, deep, deep ditch and I will spare you the story about why it landed it a ditch. So I am standing there, in the country, in darkness and I get a notification that a call had been sent straight to my voice mail. I am not sure why the call didn't go through and I didn't see a missed call to see what number the voice mail came from. I listened to the voice mail and it was Kelly. She sounded distraught and scared. She called out my name & said that she needed help, then she hung up. I wasn't able to call her back. I knew that at the moment, all I could do was pray. I tried going to her house the following day but couldn't find it by the directions that she had given me during one of our other meetings.
   Sunday was Fathers day & even though we had already given Mike his gifts and celebrated the day, I had planned to come home after Church & spend the day with him. Olivia was riding home with Mike, Nick had left that morning for Texas, so I was riding home alone. I look over on the opposite side of the hwy & I saw Kelly. I knew that I had to turn around, I turned my Jeep around, pulled up next to her to see how she was doing. We spoke for a couple of minutes, then she agreed to get into my jeep to cool off. We talked about what she was doing (collecting rocks), why she called & needed me on Thursday and some heartbreaking issues with her family. I can't go into many details but it really broke my heart to hear her justify that certain people treat her badly, "because she is just crazy and a bad person". Talking to her yesterday was like talking to my old friend, she really made a lot of sense. I do know that there are two sides to the story but I remember some of the same issues from way back when she did live a normal life. She would burst out in tears at times while she talked about how she just wanted to be normal again, she just wanted to be able to buy her own groceries or to work (she has always been a hard worker). God kept pointing out wonderful things in her to me. I was able to say, Kelly, you are WISE in this area, you know your limits and are respecting them, Kelly, you are very creative & giving with what you build with your rock collections, Kelly, you DO have so much to give!!! Now, I am not naive, I DID hear things that Kelly had said and did to these caregivers that could have been handled a different way and I did point that out but that is just areas to grow in. I kept telling her that God wants to help her to live a normal life again, that she can manage  her bi-polar and depression disorders. It was like she was hearing this for the first time. She kept saying but they have had me committed, they call me crazy and say I am a burden. sigh.... Oh, Jesus...thank you for using me because I know this lady is your daughter and you care for her. I will also say that I do know what it is like to care for someone that at times takes over your lives and I am not here to bad mouth her caregivers, especially with not knowing the full story and I do know that Kelly can be stubborn at times too.
   Kelly mentioned that and argument had taken place with a caregiver because this person didn't buy the groceries that she needed, the cops were called and wrong things were said by both parties. She wasn't looking for a handout, she only wanted someone to hear her. I talked her into going to Kroger with me and I talked her into letting me get her the missing items that she needed. The only way that she allowed me to bless her by the groceries was that she had to pay me back, now I didn't want a dime back but she was firm in not allowing me to buy them, if  she couldn't pay me back. We had a great time, walking and talking. She kept saying that she was scared that she was talking too much. God kept telling me to tell her things like, you are blessing, your stories are blessings, I am having the best time with you today. When we checked out, I could see worry come across her face, she thought that she was making me do without, her total wasn't but 20.00. Gosh, I spend 20.00 on a spur of the moment trip to Sonic!! As we were putting the groceries up, I talked her into just coming over to my house one day to help me tiddy up or something, to pay me back and thankfully she agreed to that. This way, she would feel like she hasn't put me out and it would also help her feel needed.
   Kelly has a cute little house with 9 cats and 2 dogs but  you would never know it by the cleanliness or smell, I told you that she has always been a hard worker right? She pointed out things in her house that she had refurbished, things that had been thrown out. Seeing her home like this made me know that she can manage a lot more than she gets credit for. As I looked around, God kept bringing back to mind things that Kelly had said that day and I was able to bring these things to her, as encouragement. Things like: the reason that she walks on the hwy is not only for her health but because she picks up the trash and gets a stick to move the dead animals off of the road to show respect for her area and there are markers on the side of the road which gives her goals as to how far she has walked, she is careful of what she eats because certain foods can cause heart or weight gain, she knows that while she is walking to never take rides from others....things like this....a "crazy" person doesn't keep things like this in their daily routine. I left her encouraged, I left a friend that even though she still can't remember me from the past, she now trust me and believes that God working in her life.
   A few things to keep in mind for prayer:
Restoration with her caregivers, again I know how hard it must be for them. Pray that God will give them the mercy & grace to keep on and for God to show them the hope that he has for Kelly. Also that when I do talk to them, they will not feel like I am trying to control or to question their motives and decisions and that I do this at the right time. Pray for unity and restoration.
For her safety. The hwy that she travels is not a safe place to travel. The reason why she called last week was because a man had tried to talk her into getting into his car with him, she crossed the road and used a payphone to call me.
Pray that I will be able to set boundaries and to stay focused on the root of this & not it's symptoms. That God has put me into her life to help her walk into restoration of her life, to encourage her and to let God do the rest.

Eyes wide open

   I wonder how often the Lord puts people, so bluntly into our lives, wanting to use us as tools to help bring healing and restoration or even salvation and we are too busy to see them?
   About 2 months ago, I was third in line waiting to be checked out at our local Family Dollar Store. You couldn't help but notice that the lady that was checking out was out of her mind a little, it seemed like she was over medicated. She was just making it to her car when I finished checking out and I then noticed that I knew her. I didn't stop though, I hurried to my jeep, to get back to my busy life, after all, I was on the way to youth group, ya know?
   The lady at the store, was Kelly(using a fake name for privacy sake), a lady that I worked in management with for about 2yrs during the time that I was pregnant with my 1st child. We worked very close to each other so we knew everything about each others lives. Kelly has always battle with depression and with the trials in life that she has been dealt, I am sure that she handled it all the best that she could. She was an overworked-hard working lady that did everything for her family. She was a hoot to be around, funny as they come.
   God started putting Kelly into my life in the next two months, so much, that I would have to be blind to ignore it. The week or so after I saw Kelly at the store, the kids & I were on our morning walk when her daughter stopped her car to talk to me. This daughter hadn't seen me in 15yrs but remembered me. We talked for a few minutes, she told me that Kelly lives in my area and she would tell her where I lived so that we could get together sometime. I guess a week or so after this conversation, I was in Walmart with a girl from my youth group named Rebekah Straut and I looked up & saw Kelly checking out. She looked like she was having a hard time getting the groceries out of her buggy & onto the register, so we went over to help her. She had no idea who I was even though we have seen each other in passing, many times over the years and I knew there was no way that she could have forgotten me. I tried to recall where we had worked and names of people that we worked with but she just looked at me with a very dazed look in her eyes and again she seemed over medicated. I finished helping her and was on my way. I was really in shock, how on the Earth could she be in this shape, it just wasn't the Kelly that I had always known.
  I will tell you about the other occasions in a moment but I can't leave out the word that the Lord has been speaking to me during this time.  It seems like for the last 2 months, I have heard over and over, to go out, reach people, to BE THERE for people, to be bold. I have heard this from different Pastors, from devotionals and God speaking this to me through his word as well. To be intentional in reaching out, to realize that, that is why we are here.
   A few weeks ago, I saw Kelly's daughter again, I could have taken the time to say more than hi to her in passing, I could have asked why Kelly was in that shape but I didn't, I just didn't have time for this in my life, it was far bigger than what I could handle. The very next week, I saw Kelly walking down the road, she was on the other side of the hwy but I didn't go back to check on her, after all, she lives in the area and her daughter had mentioned before that Kelly likes to walk.
 Last Sunday, Josh Quick spoke at Church about the mission trip that he he been on, the trip to get to the village itself seemed far more than most would have been willing to endure, much less what he faced when he got there. Larry rapped up the service with encouraging us to go out, to reach others, to stop & look for ways that the Lord wanted us to reach out. This message had me fired up because I had already planned to go that afternoon to a downtown Ministry to help serve.
   Sunday afternoon, I was hurrying in my jeep, trying to be on time, I hate being late and I had to pick up a few people too. Well, God didn't care about my schedule at all!! As I am on the hwy I see Kelly. What in the world is she doing walking this busy hwy again and at 3pm in the Mississippi heat? I passed her but God said, you know what you have to do Betty. After getting turned around and back to her, I got out,  with cars swooping passing me like race cars and I tried talking to Kelly. She again didn't know who I was. I tried recalling how I knew her but that didn't work again either and again, she seemed over medicated and was pouring sweat. She wouldn't take a ride from me, she said that she needed to walk for her health. I did something that was very out of my box, I boldly said, Kelly I really feel that God wants to use me, to help heal you, he keeps placing you in my life. I invited her to our next Church service, gave her my card and asked her to call me so I could get directions to her house and was on  my way downtown to go serve but wish I had gotten directions to her house. I was so excited because Rebekah, the youth that was with me when I saw Kelly at Walmart could hear about what just took place and about how God kept placing her in my life.
   Yesterday, the kids and I were on our way to a funeral. We were about to pass the place that I had seen Kelly walking on Sunday and I said a silent prayer. I prayed that the Lord would put Kelly back in front of me, even if it was right then, while I was hurrying to the funeral, I said, I will stop even if its right now. As I am about to pass this diesel, if i hadn't glanced over & slowed down instantly, I would have passed Kelly up. If I was driving like normal, hurrying and multitasking, I would have missed her but God stepped in, he answered my prayer, it was Kelly. I pulled over, stopped & walked to her. She was walking with her head in a book reading & had earphones on listening to K-Love. I began our conversation like the other 2 that I had before with her, trying to get her to recall that she knew me from the past. She again couldn't recall me but this day, she seemed more alert and able to grasp what I was saying better. I asked her if she remembered me talking to her on Sunday and if she still had my card and she did. I prayed for her, right there on the hwy  with cars zooming pass us and asked if I could get directions to her house so that I could come over & give her more details about Church. She gave them to me but said that we couldn't sit on her porch because she has wasp really bad and then showed me a swollen hand from bee stings. Thankfully I was able to tell her that we have a Pastor at our Church that would be happy to come over and take care of the wasp free of charge. I left her with saying boldly, Kelly, this is serious, God keeps placing you in front of me for a reason, he loves you and he wants to heal you.
   One of the many fruits that will sprout from what God is doing to Kelly & I is that my children will witness this. When I got back into my jeep, I told them how I had just prayed for God to put her back in front of me and he did it literally. Nick was also in the jeep with me on the previous Sunday too. I am so grateful that God has equipped me to step out boldly in ways that I have never really been able to do to this degree. Not only has he been speaking of it during the last two months but he has me surrounded by bold people and one is our youth pastor, that my son is constantly learning from. God Great and I am grateful beyond measure!!
Matthew 25:35-40
35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’